I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
