Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
