So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
