Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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