I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
