I wish I only lived at night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your cock deserves a montage
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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