just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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