New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
