You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
