Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
false alarm. still invincible.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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