I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
