I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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