Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
