If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
