Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
