I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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