Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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