I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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