I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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