I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
