I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
