I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
