Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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