we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
