i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
