Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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