Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
