Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
