Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
