Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Houston, we have a squirter
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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