I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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