so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
