You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
