My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
