Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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