the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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