We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
