You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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