I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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