her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
