Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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