i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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