Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
