You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
soo... how was my night?
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