I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
