True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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