she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
