Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry about my life...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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