After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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