it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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