Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
