I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
