Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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