you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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