Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
