her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
